


Messy

by UnfortunatelySux



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Multi, Polyamorous Character, slight dissociation?, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 20:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15915648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: Michael goes back over everything that happened, and how he ended up just like he knew he would. Piggybacks off of my fic 'Thoughts' but is otherwise a stand alone.





	Messy

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmm i suppose some of u guys asked me to keep going w the thoughts fic so uhhhh suffer here u go

Michael had known how things were going to end up. 

He’d known the second he started thinking- _really_ thinking about what exactly he was feeling. 

He wished things had gone differently. 

Naïve. Selfish. Stupid. 

Messy.

He wished he hadn’t been so messy.

He should’ve told Jared. He should’ve been the first one Michael talked to when he started questioning his feelings. 

But he hadn’t. 

Michael remembered one day when Jared and Jeremy had both come to his house to stay the night- it hadn’t been more than a couple of months since Jeremy had come back into his life. Jeremy and Jared had gotten along really well, he’d thought. Even better than expected. They had seemed like they could potentially become good friends, given enough time and mediation.

The night ended with Michael falling asleep piled on Jeremy. There hadn't been enough room for them to all share a bed- Michael had two mattresses pressed up together on the floor for them. He’d ended up crammed in the middle. He only had two pillows, so he’d figured he could just use Jeremy instead. They used to lay on each other all the time. He fell asleep laying at an awkward angle near the foot of the mattresses, head resting atop Jeremy’s legs. They woke up. Michael was confused. Something was off. 

Jared was laying secluded on the far mattress. Michael figured he was still asleep. He often had a habit of sleeping late into the day, if given the chance. Jeremy always woke up before him. Him and Michael had quietly played around for a while, eventually setting up some game to play.

Michael noticed that Jared wasn’t asleep. He was on his phone, facing the wall still. He’d tried to talk to him, but had gotten no response. He didn’t understand. He left him alone, figuring he would speak to Michael when he was ready. He’d watched Jared finally get up, grabbing his backpack and shuffling up the stairs without a word. He’d figured he was going to shower.

Jared didn’t come back. Michael searched the house fruitlessly, eventually texting him. Jared seemed upset that he hadn’t realised he was gone, but also about something else. Michael asked if he’d done something wrong. Jared didn’t reply. 

It had taken many hours, once Jeremy had gone home, of spamming Jared with pictures of puppies and careful pleas before Jared would tell him why he was angry. Jeremy. He’d watched Michael and Jeremy, the night before. How they’d joked and played. Jared had become scared of it. He told Michael that he was scared that he would fall in love with Jeremy and leave him. 

‘No,’ Michael had assured him. ‘We’ve been friends for 12 years. If I was going to get a crush on him, it would have happened by now.’ He’d promised. Jared seemed content with that. He trusted Michael’s word, and he was no longer so upset. Michael was relieved that he had only been mad over such a simple matter.

Naïve.

Weeks pass. Months. Michael had grown to having two constants in his life. Jared and Jeremy. Both separate, but equally important to him. 

He should’ve told Jared. Michael had started questioning his emotions. He questioned what he really felt for Jared, and what he really felt for Jeremy. They were both so very important to him. He should’ve said something. But then he would remember that promise. The promise that he wouldn’t leave Jared for Jeremy. That he wouldn't grow to be in love with him and care for him more than Jared. 

He wouldn’t. Michael would never let himself throw Jared away like that. He was sure of that much, at least. But the anxiety had gotten to him. He’d thought about how much it would hurt Jared to find out that he even considered it. He thought about the betrayal Jared might feel. He should’ve told him. But he didn’t. 

Instead he pushed his errant thoughts away, continuing on as normal. He ignored the doubts and thoughts that were becoming more and more prominent in his mind. He didn’t want things to change. He was terrified of it. That was no excuse for his actions. He’d been childish. Messy. 

He reached a point where the swirl of mixed up thoughts and feelings and questions in his head were becoming too much. He needed to sort through them, to figure things out for himself. He couldn’t simply push the thoughts away anymore. 

He resorted to putting it down on paper. He wrote out his concerns and thought, trying to sort through them as best he could in some tangible way. He ended up more uncertain, but much less mixed up. He wasn't sure where he stood, when it came to the feelings he was having. He wasn’t necessarily sure what any of them meant.

Time. 

That’s what he’d told himself. He just needed more _time_ to figure things out before he made any decisions. 

It was a sorry excuse. 

He figured one day he would come to an understanding within himself, and that he could just ignore things until it happened. After all, there was no point in mixing things up if he wasn’t even sure about anything, right? 

Wrong. He was acting like a selfish child. Michael didn’t intend for things to get so messy. He just didn’t want anyone to get hurt. 

Days past since he wrong the letter to himself trying to figure things out. He’d forgotten about it. Tossed it away somewhere to be contemplated on another day.  
Things went on as usual. Michael stayed over at Jeremy’s house. Jared stayed over at Michael’s house. The same as they had been. He often alternated between the two, having them over or going over to their place to spend time with them. 

Michael hadn’t meant for it to happen the way it did. But it happened.

He had been texting Jared just like always, joking stupidly and talking about whatever random shit happened to come up. Jared brought it up suddenly. 

‘We need to talk,’ He’d said. 

Michael was confused.

‘About what?’ He asked. He didn’t understand. That was usually something someone said when they were about to break up with someone, wasn’t it? Had he done something wrong?

‘I think you know what,’ Jared replied. Michael was at a loss. He panicked, possible issues rattling through his thoughts. He didn’t know. It could’ve been a number of things. He couldn’t tell how serious it was, so he had no way to determine what type of issue it was. 

‘?? I’m confused,’ Michael had admitted. ‘I’m getting scared. What is it?’

Jared seemed almost distant. Then he said it. ‘I read your thing.’ 

Four words. Those four words were enough to steal the breath from his chest and the thoughts from his head. He felt blank as he stared at his phone. 

‘Oh.’ He’d responded. ‘Hmm.’ 

Jared’s responded were direct. ‘Yeah. Oh,” he’d said. He was waiting for Michael to say something. To explain himself. 

Michael’s thoughts kicked back into gear, heart racing in distress. He had to make a choice. 

He could lie. 

It was his immediate thought. Lie about it. Tell Jared it had been for some project and he didn’t mean any of it. Say he’d made it all up. Try and salvage their present. Stop the change before anything happened. Force them to remain stagnant. 

He couldn’t do that to Jared. Michael dismissed the thoughts in seconds. He couldn’t lie or try to get out of this with stupid excuses. It wasn’t fair to Jared. He didn’t deserve that. So, Michael resigned himself.

‘I’m sorry’ was the first thing he’d said to Jared. He was sorry. He felt so, unimaginably sorry. 

Jared’s replies were collected, careful. ‘You should’ve told me.’

Michael’s heart twisted softly. Jared was right. He should’ve told him. He knew he should’ve. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Michael repeated. ‘You’re right. I should've. And I’m really sorry that I didn’t.’ Michael wasn’t scared. He felt empty. Void of all coherent emotion except guilt. Even that didn’t feel as prominent as Michael knew it should’ve. ‘I never meant for this to happen.’

‘It really hurt me,” Jared told him. ‘To find out that i was right before.’ His texts felt empty of emotion as Michael read them. Like he’d long given up on things. It felt like he was being reprimanded by a parent for breaking his friend favourite toy. A layer of upset off put by the carefully familiar wording of scolding a child who constantly broke things. It felt as though it were an obligation that they have the conversation, despite both sides already knowing the inevitable outcome.

Michael didn’t know what to say. There was no excuse. He told the truth. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Jared went on, telling Michael how he’d cried over it. He’d been angry. Michael didn’t blame him. 

‘I never intended to act on any of it,’ Michael told him. It was true. He would’ve let things stay in limbo forever. ‘I never meant for either of you to see it.’

‘What did you expect to happen when you were writing it down, then?’

A pause. Michael suddenly realised his breath was shallow, but he still felt blank. His limbs felt slightly heavier than usual. ‘I never meant for this.’

Jared told him that it wasn’t his fault. He said that Michael couldn’t help what he felt. ‘I just wish you’d talked to me,’ he reiterated. ‘Do you know how bad it feels to find out the person that means the most to you cares about someone else more?’ 

Michael frowned, heart beating in his chest. It should’ve hurt more. Why couldn’t he feel anything? ‘No, that’s not true’, Michael refuted. It wasn’t correct. ‘I don’t care about him more than you’. his thumbs hovered over the keys. The unspoken words hung in the air around him. ‘And I don't care about you more than him.’ He erased it as soon as he finished typing it. It sounded too harsh to add in solid words. 

Jared asked him if he’d talked to Jeremy about it. Michael said no. Jared asked why. 

‘Because I never intended to act on it’. Michael idly noted that he was shaking slightly as he typed. The air around him felt too stagnant. 

There was a small pause before Jared responded. ‘You better talk to him about it, then, because I can’t do this shit.’

Michael felt his breath catch. There was a long pause as Michael debated whether he should ask or not. The question felt heavy as he typed it, thumbs slow. He vacantly noted a tear falling down his cheek. ‘Do you want to break up with me because of this?’ 

They both already knew the answer. 

‘It’s not your fault that you feel the way you do. But you need to figure this stuff out and until you do, I don’t think i should put myself through that.’ 

Michael felt another tear fall. He told Jared that he understood. He did. Jared didn’t deserve to suffer because of Michael’s indecision. Michael apologized one last time, telling Jared that he never meant for any of this. Jared told him that he didn’t want to lose Michael as a friend over this. Michael didn’t want that either. The idea of Jared cutting himself off from him completely made Michael feel slightly sick, even through the numbness encompassing his body.

And that was that. They were broken up. Jared continued on with the previous conversation as though nothing happened. Michael was grateful for that. He pause to take stock. His body felt warm and heavy, his hands shook when he pulled them away from his phone. He felt another tear run down his face, the liquid tracing down his too warm cheeks. He took a shaky breath, ignoring the slight lump in his throat. 

Internally, he still felt empty. He was put off by it. He was crying, so why didn’t it hurt? Why didn’t he feel sad? He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it. Things were messy. So, so messy. 

During their talk, Michael had admitted that he wasn’t sure he was cut out to date anyone the way he was currently. He felt like that statement was more accurate than be had originally realized. 

One day, he would figure things out. He would sort through the mess he made and try to pick up the pieces and stick then back together as best he could. But that could wait. For now, he wanted to mourn. So that’s what he left himself do, pushing away his other worries as he drowned himself in whatever distraction he could find. He needed time.

One day, he was going clean up his mess.


End file.
